“Be nice to people, be kind, and be considerate all you want, but at the end of the day, never put someone else before you.”, If you a nice, but NOT brainwashed, all of the above, except No. How can you form a relationship with someone who won’t be honest about their boundaries? If you are nice all the time, it will only be a matter of time before someone comes along... 2. I first suspected something was up when I began to notice that social situations exhausted me and my connections with others were consistently unsatisfying. Borderline personality disorder (BPD) manifests in many different ways, but for the purposes of diagnosis, mental health professionals group the symptoms into nine major categories. What other illnesses often co-occur with borderline personality disorder? People-pleasers do not give freely or anonymously. Friendships that are based on shallow commonalties without depth or loyalty. Burn out. It does take quite a strong person to turn down a request for help, and if you, as a nice person, cannot manage it, then it could be seen as a sign of weakness. There is no definitive medical test for any mental illness, and most mental health professionals don't have the time or resources to dig as deep as one hopes.. If so, I’d like you to read through this – you might be surprised by what I’ve discovered. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. The first is that you can start to feel resentment and overwhelm… How can dominance like this possibly be considered “nice” behaviour? They are not well understood in terms of … Chronic loneliness. They set unhealthy precedents with people that are difficult to reset (e.g. It’s like a fish being unable to notice the water. People-pleasers are dishonest. Why do nice people tend to “finish last” with unhealthy love-lives, mediocre careers, and poor mental health? Borderline personality disorder often occurs with other mental illnesses. Their so-called altruism is designed to force people into validating and approving of them. Will try again tomorrow. I don’t usually use language like that, but again it’s the simplest way I can describe my people-pleasing clients. 1.3.3.2 If a person with a common mental health disorder presents considerable and immediate risk to themselves or others, refer them urgently to the emergency services or specialist mental health services . Lab tests. Not only was I proud of being the “most self-sacrificing person I knew,” I also judged others by how “selfless” they were. Penny-Pinching May Signal Mental Illness. People-pleasers are usually the first to pretend that they’re OK with everything, especially when they aren’t. This book will help you decode confidence into a set of beliefs and behaviours that you can control. Being around people at work or shopping in a mall, as well as what we’d call “socializing” – parties, family gatherings, drinks with friends – all left me needing to recover, like I’d been hitting the gym super hard. Obviously there is nothing wrong with being nice. When I saw someone prioritise their own needs over someone else’s, I considered them to be “selfish.” When I saw someone bend over backwards and even being harmed by their own helpfulness, I considered them to be a “good person.”. If you’re still breathing, there’s still time to make a change! 3. Being ‘too nice’ puts added pressure on your partner. Their (your) potential as a transformational force for good in the world is limitless. Perhaps you have no idea what that even means – that’s OK, I didn’t either when I first started. People-pleasing causes marriages to fall apart because the lack of masculine/feminine polarity and confrontations kills love and passion. Or it could be because you are at risk of hurting yourself or someone else. Can obsession really be considered part of a balanced and healthy psyche? All too often people with mental illness are left with idle time, myself included, which can lead to trouble. “The thing about a spiral is, if you follow it inward, it never actually ends. They’ll actually push themselves into the lives of others – e.g. When you start to think that you have no self-worth, you can sometimes fall into the trap of needing something else to fill the void. Relationships should be based on an equal footing, with both parties putting in the same amount of effort. A psychological evaluation. People-pleasers are highly manipulative. If you’ve never considered it before, here are some things to ponder before you declare that it’s good to be nice: People-pleasers treat themselves worse than they treat others. A mental disorder, also called a mental illness or psychiatric disorder, is a behavioral or mental pattern that causes significant distress or impairment of personal functioning. When you are the one doing all the giving, validating others all the time, it can be distracting from your own needs. I have literally nothing positive to say about people-pleasing behaviour. While “self-sacrifice” is often lauded by society and media as being a good thing, people-pleasers suffer immensely as a direct result of their attempts to be a good person. You will be seen as an easy mark or con because a nice person cannot imagine anyone taking advantage of them. INFP vs INFJ: What Are the Differences & Which Are You? pressuring someone to accept a loan – and then expect reciprocation for their efforts. If you continually do things to please other people but do not take into account your own feelings, then it is possible you could end up living someone else’s life entirely. This quick but thorough course will destroy your limiting beliefs around rejection. People might think you have an ulterior motive for being too nice. Was there a period in history when being too nice was considered a mental illness? Your email address will not be published. She has suffered from a panic disorder for over 30 years, which prompted her to study and receive an Honours degree in Psychology with the Open University. Being thrifty empowers people to thrive on tight budgets. Do you think it’s “good” to be “nice”? Includes any guidance, advice, NICE Pathways and quality standards. They are trying to make the world a better place, underneath all the needy and manipulative stuff. Here’s why: 1. Why Being “Too Nice” Can Be Dangerous. Not just the obvious cases of suicide and cutting etc., but also bingeing and poor treatment of themselves. I’d always worried what people thought of me. They may do it just to be hateful. Excessive social discomfort, timidity, fear of criticism, avoidance of social or work activities that involve interpersonal contact are characteristic of the avoidant personality. This leaves the door wide open for anyone to step in and your nice nature will attract needy types who need constant validation. This might be financially, mentally or physically. But why would being a “nice” person be correlated so highly with such massive emotional and psychological suffering? And many people-pleasers and Nice Guys I work with are proud of this self-sacrificing nobility. Many disorders have been described, with signs and symptoms that vary widely between specific disorders. Eventually, the pressure and weight of trying to control everyone else’s emotions gets too much, and the people-pleaser snaps. But you may soon realize this person is not only a liar, but may even be a sociopath, leaving you open to harm. It is easy to forget to be kind to yourself when you are being too nice to so many other people. I was The Funny Guy), just to make you like and appreciate them. If you are nice all the time, it will only be a matter of time before someone comes along and takes advantage. Well, apparently, being nice all the time can not only harm you mentally but also physically. It doesn’t help you (beyond meaningless instant-gratification highs). 9, are just aberrations. It's hardly a secret that in the mental health field, everyone gets their take. Use your anger as information. Mental disorders are characterized by problems that people experience with their mind (thoughts) and their mood (feelings). Because after 5 years of this work I am now absolutely convinced that the most important thing I could ever do with my life is to free people-pleasers from this sickness and enable them to live with integrity. Is being nice really all it’s cracked up to be? When I give a talk, I often ask this question: … They’ve become harmful destructive forces in society and sometimes it’s beyond my skills to enable their recovery. Learning Mind is a blog created by Anna LeMind, B.A., with the purpose to give you food for thought and solutions for understanding yourself and living a more meaningful life. To determine a diagnosis and check for related complications, you may have: 1. I have no doubt that genuine values are also mixed in there – all of my clients are still kind and helpful when they’ve finished building their confidence. Mental Health Problems Go In and Out of Vogue. It’s not uncommon for people-pleasers to secretly view themselves as “better” than others because they are more caring and helpful, at least in their own eyes. The mental health professional may ask about symptoms and personal and family medical histories, including any history of mental illness. Sure, some people-pleasers are dark and resentful and cannot come back from that place (e.g. When I was made aware of how manipulative, ineffective, submissive, cowardly and dishonest I was, it was like getting repeatedly kicked in the balls. After studying the relationship between self-confidence and people-pleasing for about a decade, I’ve come to the firm conclusion that people-pleasing – sometimes known as Nice Guy Syndrome – should be classified as a mental illness. 10 Ways Being Too Nice Can Harm Your Physical and Mental Health 1. There are introverts and extroverts. People-pleasers get walked over because they struggle with confrontations. Contact me any time if I can support you to make this painful but massively rewarding transformation. And there’s a huge difference between trying to please people vs being genuinely helpful. How is this a healthy way to interact socially? The constant worry, sensitivity, strategic planning, performing and exhaustion that I experienced in relation to socializing was in fact known as something far simpler: chronic anxiety. I see nothing wrong with that, do you? We can’t diagnose many mental health conditions with brain scans or blood tests. And it’s really hard to find quality, affordable treatment.’ Many people … Learning Mind has over 50,000 email subscribers and more than 1,5 million followers on social media. This, of course, is not true. This means you don’t really have boundaries when it comes to shutting people out that don’t meet your friendship demands. People-pleasing causes powerful people to make stupid and massively disruptive decisions that negatively effect millions of people (e.g, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau catering to extremist feminism). It deprives others of life and growth while enabling co-dependency. Self-harm. It takes time to figure it out. People-pleasers are obsessed with control. Yet all of them have a few things in common, and one of those things is an almost constant state of worry and wariness, specifically based on potential social consequences, that can only be defined as chronic anxiety (often low-level but sometimes to the intensity of regular panic attacks). Such features may be persistent, relapsing and remitting, or occur as a single episode. It’s hard to notice something that’s always happening. Overcome Your Fear of Rejection… Permanently [Udemy course] Say goodbye to fear of rejection, approach anxiety, and missing out on opportunities. They will pout and sulk and grow resentful if they are not appreciated and acknowledged. The pain of people-pleasing finally became more painful than fear of change, risk-taking, experimentation, failure and growth. It's a delicious, hilarious jab at people who are too nice all the time. Latest posts by Janey Davies, B.A. William James Sidis: the Tragic Story of the Smartest Person Ever Lived. Once you start to investigate, the answers to these questions become clear. How can it be considered noble to disrespect your own mind, body and basic needs? Mental health refers to your emotional and psychological well-being. Learning Mind does not provide medical, psychological, or any other type of professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Why Being “Too Nice” Can Be Dangerous. When you’re a people-pleaser, most if not all of your “nice” acts are being driven primarily by pain, fear and insecurities. Bad-fit or toxic partners, or the complete absense of romantic connections (and no idea how to make it happen). I’ve investigated the long-term effects they experienced as a result of trying to people other people. The key thing to understand is that being “nice” is NOT the same as genuinely behaving with generosity, caring, compassion or respect. This is where addiction to drugs, alcohol and other behaviours might come into play. I have explored cases from all over the world, a representative range of cultures, ages, races, economic statuses and genders. A person with a personality disorder has trouble perceiving and relating to situations and people. In the hospital, you will get counseling, group discussions, and activities with mental health professionals and other patients. grief and anger). It most often seems to take the form of anxiety/depression episodes or panic attacks (often both), but I’ve also seen a trend of massive mental and physical calamities, like strokes, psychosis requiring hospitalisation, eating disorders, and psychiatric diagnoses such as ADHD, bi-polar, and even Personality Disorders, that may be better categorised as “People-Pleasing Compulsion Disorder”. Part of this is because the classification of mental illness often relies on subjective criteria. People-pleasers are proud of the way they are, like someone who insists on drinking poison because it gets them high. I’ve coached literally hundreds of people-pleasers and Nice Guys over the last 5+ years, and they range in personality – they cover a huge spectrum, with some remarkable differences. If you are too nice, you can get into a situation where your friends only contact you when they want something. When you no longer value yourself, you have to find some way to make yourself feel better. You may need to go to a psychiatric hospital. You bet your ass. Your doctor will try to rule out physical problems that could cause your symptoms. By not acknowledging your feelings, hopes, choices, and desires, you are allowing others to define how you live your life. Bipolar disorder, also known as manic depression, is a mental illness that brings severe high and low moods and changes in sleep, energy, thinking, and behavior. Approval is a drug to people-pleasers – but disapproval gets their attention, it’s something they listen to carefully. I’d always hidden confrontational thoughts and feelings. Yeah this is a dark truth to face for sure, well done on having the courage to face it again, Your email address will not be published. Many view people-pleasing as a rather pleasant quirk of personality – a person who’s “nice” and “helpful” and is deemed to be somehow noble because they sacrifice their own health and happiness to “care” for others. The Legendary Life: Build the Motivation and Confidence to Create an Authentic Lifestyle [book] Dan’s first book covers a complete blueprint for designing your life in a way that matches your core values, showing you how to overcome fear, set and achieve powerful goals, and build your confidence without needing other people to like you. People who are typically nice all the time tend to put others’ needs before their own, this can be described as being ‘people pleasing behaviour’. After studying the relationship between self-confidence and people-pleasing for about a decade, I’ve come to the firm conclusion that people-pleasing – sometimes known as Nice Guy Syndrome – should be classified as a mental illness. taking on extra work early in their new job) that create unreasonable expectations and eventually lead to massive disappointment. Trying hard to be noticed and approved of and loved is, in my opinion, one of the single greatest causes of suffering the human race has ever known. Spare time means more opportunity to worry and overanalyze things that happen. They are missing out on a wonderful life, and everyone else is missing out on what they can truly contribute. https://sunrisehouse.com/treat-co-occurring-disorders/signs-symptoms This causes significant problems and limitations in relationships, social activities, work and school. A feeling of being disconnected from all others – of being an alien species that doesn’t fit in. When your main objectives become helping others and not taking care of your own requirements you can start to believe that you have little self-worth. Just because you bend over backwards for others, it doesn’t mean that they have to do the same. Nearly 5 million children in the U.S. have some type of serious mental illness (one that significantly interferes with daily life). believing “all women are bitches” (a common one for Nice Guys), or conspiracy theories that blame some shadowy group for their suffering. I won’t pretend that I’ve done formal scientific research on this, but I can safely claim to have reviewed hundreds of case-studies – i.e. I’d always felt compelled into helping people. On the surface, it seems that this person is a compassionate family member. These may include, for example, a check of your thyroid function or a screening for alcohol and drugs. They do not accept resistance to their support. workmates) better than people they love and feel safe with. intervene) without permission. BPD is a type of personality disorder. Like many of those who suffer from mental illness, my perception of reality was, quite simply: wrong. Hi Bruce, i would just let him know in a nice way that some times the money tree runs out,and try to seperate the diease from the person,we have to learn to live one day at a time when dealing wih a illness, and for me i need to ask God to help me to deal with my friend,on my own i can go down pretty low (depression) you will be ok, God is Good. The 3X Confidence and Authenticity Masterclass Program [Udemy course], Overcome Your Fear of Rejection… Permanently [Udemy course], The Legendary Life: Build the Motivation and Confidence to Create an Authentic Lifestyle [book], Nothing to Lose: Using Curiosity to Destroy Hesitation, Procrastination and Limiting Beliefs [book], 50 Ways That You Undermine Your Confidence, The Naked Truth: Monica Lewinsky vs Paris Hilton, How Attachment Styles Control Our Lives, with Dan and Mike, The Secret to Self Leadership, with Peter Lewis. There are approval-seekers and contrarian shit-stirrers. Cluster C: Avoidant Personality Disorder: Avoidant personalities are often hypersensitive to rejection and are unwilling to become involved with others unless they are sure of being liked. The only way I’ve been able to help myself and others escape from this condition is by delivering a cold, hard slap in the face. Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a mental health condition that affects mood, behavior, and self-image. Being a lovely person yourself means that you probably think everyone else is just as lovely. It’s also said that people-pleasing can form a bridge to other conditions such as borderline personality disorder and social anxiety disorder. In a world where all we seem to hear is bad news, it may seem that there is no negative side to being too nice. Overthinking and obsessing over simulations of the future – while consistently predicting disastrous outcomes. I have to hit them hard and brutal like this, not only because it can snap people-pleasers out of their trance, but also because it’s the only honest way to speak about people-pleasing. Jab at people who are too nice can harm your Physical and mental health issues basic needs own.! To forget to be kind to yourself when you feel anger, irritation, or treatment behaviours that you think. 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